things

So, I guess I've been in Korea for a bit over a month now.

My situation is not at all typical. I may or may not be collecting funds and claiming that I am still in the states. There may be an empty apartment in northern New Jersey, containing only most of my material possessions and what I consider artifacts from a brief career in education.

Being here has again changed my outlook on life. I'm not sure if I can go back and actually live in the states again. This happens to me all the time, but THIS time, it's a little different.

There is so much that I want to do and I'm so lucky to be free and able to do it. I have no true ties to anyone or anything that will keep me from buying one of those huge backpacks, filling it, and traveling across Europe. Why am I such a pussy? It took mentioning these desires of mine to a tiny Korean girl whom I once tutored while studying here, and a nephew of mine who's actually about 6 years older than me, to realize that it's not as scary as it seems.

I guess I'm still scared to do something so liberating. I'm afraid I'll be jumped or mugged or raped in a foreign country whose native tongue I know not. Yet, a girl who I helped to get to Europe through studying abroad (I tutored her and helped edit her application essays and such about 5 years ago), said that it's no big deal.

I still sometimes feel like I need to attain all of my lifelong goals sooner than later. I now realize that's bullshit.

My back doesn't hurt nearly as much, thanks to the wonders of traditional korean treatments including acupuncture and massive amounts of hiking. I no longer feel bound to any religion whatsoever, thanks to my deep respect of buddhism and the beauty that is unquestionably composite with deep culture.

I always say I love Korea, but there is brutality in the archaic mores of this culture. It's still possible for individuals who are found to be HIV positive to be fired from their jobs, no matter how prestigious their work, no matter how talented. No severance pay is given to these individuals and many are left homeless. I've had the opportunity to meet such people and befriend them and see the love that is available and present even in such dire situations.

Do you know that HIV can affect someone the same way loss of sight does? It's not the functioning of the eyes that deteriorate, but the brain's ability to decipher and understand what it is the eyes see. Do you know how dependent and forlorn one can be under such duress? Do you know the joy it brings me to see someone live through this with hope in his heart?

I'm not sure where I belong. I've always been sure that my purpose in this life is to bring happiness to others, for that is where I find my own happiness.

I'm afraid to die because of all that I will miss out on if I cash out too early. I know my soul won't end on this earth, but I still yearn for so much more.

My heart is bursting with love and my mind bubbles with curiosity and I think, for once, I may truly be living in the moment.