kismet[ic]

In years past, when I've had almost an entire week off of work in early November, I was consumed by anxiety and depression and never able, nor did I even desire, to go the annual teacher convention. Fortunately, I'm more accustomed to my job and once again passionate about it. There was a time when I worried if I would ever feel enthusiastic about teaching again... I know it's largely in part because of the environment in which I work, but if I talk about that, I will never get to the awesomeness I'd like to share.

This week was crazy busy. Work + gym on monday, dentist + sudden orthodontist + wkshp = tuesday, car fixin and head fixin and back fixin on weds, and I finally made it to my hotel in AC later that evening. It was weird to be by myself in a really fun city, in one of the nicest hotel rooms I've ever seen, and to be hungry. I ordered room service and talked on the phone to a mutual friend who was a champ and kept me company for like 2 hours.

Next day, my girl/coworker/friend/fellow crime fighter and mom of 3-4 children accompanied me in my quest for teacher con goodness. We had no schedule of wkshps or even directions on how to get there. I knew there was a shuttle, and we were rushing to get down to the terminal. Unfortunately, the down escalator, which was all we needed to descend in order to catch the free shuttle, was out of order. I was tired, hungry, and extremely thirsty, and very annoyed that there were no clearly marked staircases anywhere around. Casinos are weird places, and I just don't like the difficulty I have at times when trying to navigate through them. Anyway, we ran down the UP escalator. It was exhilarating to do something so silly again. I mean, it was also somewhat justifiable, wasn't it?

We waited for the shuttle, I paid $2.5o for a bottle of water and $1.75 for a nature's valley granola bar, and we waited s'mo. Finally, we came upon the realization that we will probably only get there on time if we walk (I made sure to book a room that was not too far from the convention center).

There were some unfriendly people who had a map handy, in addition to some stank attitudes, and I tried to be friendly and figure it out together, but they were just uninviting. But then there appeared a nice girl who looked equally as lost as we were. I introduced myself and we became insta-friends and we got there way before the jerks w. the map.

It was PACKED! Workshops were extremely insightful, split up with homegirl #1 and walked back w. friend 2 after learning a lotta helpful stuff, but we were again deterred from progressing in our journey back to the hotel. The Sheraton seemed like a shortcut, but it was fenced in where we needed to access the sidewalk. I stated how I wouldn't mind jumping the fence, but it makes me self-conscious to do things like that when there are a bunch of teachers around, ya know? Plus, I just met this girl and I have no idea what she's comfortable doing, so I suggest we look for an alternate exit from inside the building, so that we could access the route more "properly."

There wasn't an exit. In fact, all of the "exit" signs led us merely into other rooms, up stairways, and a teacher that I once knew from my high school days (she's still at good ole ptown). SO! I restate the possibility of climbing that fence, and new friend is DOWN! She even says she WANTS to do it. I'm thinkin, "Of course! Who doesn't want to climb a fence?!"

So we go back outside and cheerily climb up and over and it was funnnnn. FUN I SAY! I have noticed that on days when I jump a fence, for whatever reason, those are days that forever stay etched in my mind b/c they are filled with fun and adventure, in addition to breaking a social norm. Maybe it's b/c doing something as liberating as physically going over something meant to trap you opens one up mentally, emotionally, or spiritually to what is around.

The rest of my day was wonderful and I met another amazing person with whom I vibed and everything seemed just right.

There's SO much that happened... when friend #3 and I left the pub (I met an old friend there and he was mutually acquainted, but left before we did in order to continue partying) this cab driver was reciting SHAKESPEARE to me. Apparently, his father was a struggling playwright who would drink whiskey and listen to old recordings of Shakespearean plays with his son, now turned cabby, in the 6o's. Even my cab drivers were ridiculous! The second one of the evening offered me "services"!!!!!!!!

I feel like there's even more to say, but I'm getting tired...

I just want to mention that my second day was cool, too, and everything that seemed to happen was happening for a reason. Even today, I just feel so right with the world, like it's all going the way it should.

I haven't felt this in a long time.

Goodnite.

srsly

I'm not sure what it is i "have," but I never went back to work this week. I crawled out of bed long enough to journey to the doctor on Thursdsay, and he told me not to go to work Friday...

This has been kind of weird for me to have no energy to do anything but lay down. This is the longest I've been awake for days, so that must mean I'm getting better, but it just leaves me thinking about all of the things I need to accomplish.

I mean, there's always stuff for work, right? Like, a week's worth of classwork that needs to be graded... then there's those two pre-assessments that don't count for anything but still need to be accounted for... I haven't even read through half of the essays...

That's not really what I'm talking about; I'm referring to my life goals. I'm 25 now, and before I know it, I'll be 26. I've only traveled to two countries, not including islands I've visited during a cruise. I once told myself I'd visit each continent at least once! I'm really behind. I've also not started grad school. Which would be fine if I was involved in some other really cool activity or hobby that took up most of my free time. At this point in my life, I'm not sure what takes up so much of my time.

Most recently, it was just doctors' visits. Lame, right? And I guess before that it was helping my mom, either recovering from medical procedures or with her business. What about me?

When people first meet me and ask me those obligatory questions like, "What do you do for fun?" I'm really not sure how to answer them. I know I'm fun. And quirkier than most, with the exception maybe of the character, Kramer, from "Seinfeld."

Okay. Honestly... I guess it's troubling me also that I have no significant other. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I could have several tomorrow if I really wanted to, but I don't mean just anyone. I'm a bit scared that I will never find someone who will make my heart flutter. At least for more than 2-3 months, cuz that's usually about the time I cut em off for some reason or other.

Are the people who are off and getting married really sure that they are with the ones they should love for eternity, or as long as they live, or the majority of the rest of their lives? Or is there just a point when you cave and or settle? Is it just worldly of me to even desire such a relationship? Were we meant to love just one person? R. Crumb has a really interesting relationship with his wife. It is open, and they spend certain times of the year apart. But they adore each other! Learning about their lifestyle really confused my thinking in college and, for a while, I thought fidelity was bullshit.

I'm not really sure what to believe now.

I just feel like time is running out somehow and even if and when I find someone of worth in the future, his mother will wonder why I'm single at my age, and I have no excuse. It's not that I went to some prestigious grad school or founded some not-for-profit organization that has been consuming any possible free time.

THIS is why I just wanted to move to Korea, work my silly teaching job, take some cooking classes, never have to drive anywhere, and exploit my biculturalism. But, nooooooooo! I had to be in a car accident that messed up my back and go to numerous stupid appointments and tests and FOR WHAT? In hopes of a sizeable settlement? Listen: it's more like, I can be a severe hypochondriac and I want to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong with my body.

Being sick and in bed for days can seriously warp one's mind.

sickly

Unfortunately, the district website was not functioning properly this morning so, as I started my trek to work and made it to the turnpike, I was unable to "call out" sick. I knew there was a number to the subfinder system, so I looked in my gigantic wallet (some women would probably use it as a clutch, or, for those of you who may be unaware of that term, a small purse), to no avail. Having gone through several phones since I was first hired was working against me, too. I guess I didn't transfer the number because I go back and forth about staying at that school.

I decide to man-up. At that point, I was about to get onto the parkway, which meant I only had about half an hour until I reached my destination. I was waking up, right? I had that thermos of coffee from which to sip, a few cigarettes to give me even more stimulation. I make it to work, thankfully, and sign in. I go to my classroom and attempt to retrieve my lesson plans from my work email because I forgot to save them to my hard drive. Of course, that site does not want to function properly either... My brain is not functioning normally, my voice is hoarse, and no matter how I position myself at my desk, whether with my legs atop it, stretched out across another chair, or with my head down and on my arms, I cannot find comfort.

I just waited till after homeroom and notified the office I'd need to go home. Couldn't hack it. Nor could I find my copy of the film version of the short story we were reading. I didn't have a tv, either... or the patience to even THINK about the after school staff meeting.

So, I go to my cousin's house. where I will be staying/renting a room, and I crash. I sleep for like 5 hours, wake up, and still feel shitty. I don't know what to do. I canceled my psychologist appointment before my nap (it's in cherry hill, which is at least 2 hours away from here) because I wanted to make it to work tomorrow, but what's the point? I doubt I'll feel any better and I need to prepare things!

I'm back in bed but can't really sleep...

And I'm further disappointed because I thought I would lament only briefly, then end this entry with something witty and entertaining. I was wrong. Sorry you read this and bored yourself.

is it like riding a bike?

I doubt that I've blogged in years... I have a ghost account on a once popular, arguably asian-dominated blogring...

Two people that I highly esteem seem to be writing thought provoking stories on THEIR blogs... so I figured I'd join in on the fun.

(Another reason is so that I can practice using correct grammar/capitalization for when I finally enroll in grad school...)

I know it sucks, but I gotta start somewhere, right? RIGHT?!?!?!??!?